Saturday, October 29, 2005

Another Take on Florida

©1999 Harrison Information Systems
November 11, 2000

FLANDERS FIELD--The 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month—an appropriate time to write about politics methinks, and considering the on-going mess in Florida I think it is time to call for some serious changes to the "American System," such as the creation of new Federal offices, voting reform, and mental health.

Let me be the first to call for the appointment of special prosecutor to investigate W’s driving record, which ought to be at least as important as Bill’s sexual record. After all, the only things Bill ever endangered were innocent cigars. I think Anita Hill would be a primo choice for a special prosecutor in this instance and I’m sure with 20 or 30 million dollars and four years of time she could produce as much as Ken Starr did, and we would all be wiser about beer stains on the back seat and whether or not steering a moving vehicle was the same as driving, and we could all be titillated with tales of gear shift levers.

Let me also be the first to ask a burning question about the Liberal Media: Where the Hell have you been? Hmmm. Could it be that the Liberal Media has been giving W a free ride on driving and draft dodging? Naw. After all, all those rich people who own the media are liberals. Right?

While we’re at it—why not call for the creation of a new Federal office of special prosecutor? Let’s just get it over with and make it official. As long as we’re creating new positions, I propose that we create another new position: Court Jester. We could have the new president appoint the position. W might consider the inestimable Ralph Nader or perhaps even Pat Buchanan. Gore probably has a relative out of work so I’m sure he could come up with someone. Maybe Bill himself. The Bush contenders would be legion, and Gore would have no shortage of candidates from the Loony Left. Of course, we’d have to dress-up the job title a little bit. How about Secretary of Inane Commentary? Well, come to think of it there would considerable competition for the position from both Houses and the Talking Heads of Medialand.

Republicans often call for a "return to traditional values," which is okay with me, and while we’re at it, we can roll the clock back beyond white bread to the original intent of the Electoral College, which wasn’t called a College because it had Deans, but it was a collection of well-educated, erudite persons who actually elected the President. Therefore, the Electoral College ought to be composed of only college faculty. Right? One thing for sure about that proposal, the vine of public discourse would never wither for wont of opinion. Ask any college president.

Meanwhile, since Solomon is apparently not on the bench in West Palm Beach, could I humbly offer a suggestion about the 19,000 confused voters? Let’s take all the double-punched ballots and give half of a vote to each punchee. Then, neither party could complain since no one is being disenfranchised and it still kinda meets the standard of one man, half a vote.

Come to think of it, wouldn’t the election be more fun if you could split your single votes into fractional parts? The mind boggles at the unique opportunities for fraud and confusion offered up by having to do fractions in a voting booth. Hah! You only say you’re in favor of math and science education—how ‘bout a math test instead of a literacy test for voting? We would then find out for sure just who is ignorant about what and which generation learned the most whilst walking uphill in all directions through waist deep snow to attend the little one room school where the wisdom of the Universe poured untainted into clean, clear attentive minds that were praying and reciting the Pledge of Allegiance while eating apple pie and rattling sabers and sending someone else’s children off to fight in distant Asian wars.


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